Something I can never have
by Eternalukyou
Summary: Shinji wants to die, and Kaoru wants to live. They both know... being togeather again is somehting they can never have.


Something I can never have  
By: Eternal_Ukyou  
  
Disclaimer: Never have, never will. End of story  
  
I still recall the taste of your tears.  
I look down on you, Shinji, now from a place you call Heaven. I watch you each day as you cry for me, and touch my lips, and remember how your tears tasted when I kissed them away. I can still smell you, as you lay frightened beneath my body, the sweat that made our bodies slick as they rubbed against each other for the very first time. The scent was thick in my tiny bedroom, and I wish now I had lingered there longer, but Fate dictated other wise, I'm sorry Shinji.  
  
I reach out to you Shinji, but I just can't touch you now. I see you below me, and I cry out your name in the dark so no one here will hear me. I want so badly to be back with you, so I may lay beside you while you sleep. I can still hear your voice in my head, playing endlessly. You sweet, sweet words. The words that now keep me alive and sane. The words that came from your soft lips. I wish I had kissed them longer.  
  
Kaoru, I whisper you name on the ocean breeze as I sit here on this rock starring at the crashing waves. I watch the sun go down and turn it a shade of crimson I had never really seen before, was that your sign to me? Did you want me to see that and think of you? To think of you holding me, and kissing my cheeks, While I would cry? Did you want to make me cry tonight? You where everything I had ever wanted, and then you betrayed me Kaoru, you betrayed me. Why?  
  
No one will be home when I get there. You know why Kaoru? You know why they all abounded me? You fucking bastard! Your the reason they left me! You did this to me! I lost everything! Everything! My pride, my respect,... my purity. You took everything I held dear... and I let you, I sold my soul to you so cheaply. I almost regret it. Then I think about how good it felt, and I spend all night thinking about it, wishing I was back in your arms. I can't sleep anymore, as soon as I close my eyes I see your smiling face, begging me to kill you. I hear your voice, thanking me, I know my heart is pounding and my pants are growing tight, but I need you. What an awful thing to do!... To make me fall in love with you!  
  
I'm sorry Shinji, It's all my fault... but I saw the pain in your eyes, how fragile your heart was and I just fell in love. I couldn't hold myself back from taking you that night. I did my best to be gentle, but mortal bodies are not intend for such. Shinji, I'm so sorry... but you made everything seem wrong, just the way I wanted.  
  
I'm sorry Kaoru, I did this to both of us... I let you see inside of me, and I know you saw though my walls, broke them down with three words, like cannon balls to a castle wall. You took me down, ripped me apart and looked deep inside of me. And the deeper you tore, the more my heart swallowed you up... but when you smiled at me all my problems melted away, just the way I wanted.  
I down to just one thing  
Your all I have to look on now Shinji. Your all I am conscious for. I spend the rest of my eternal life watching you, smiling down on you from way up here. Look up to the sky Shinji, so I am glimpse you face. I see you now, standing there, ankle deep in a sandy beach. Your the only thing I want to see, the only thing I dream of. Look to the sky Shinji, look to the sky.  
  
Kaoru, I can't control myself anymore, my hands and feet move on their own, and the next thing I know I'm neck deep in the icy, salty water, turned crimson by the sun. I don't feel the bitter sting anymore, I can't feel the pain of cold. I only feel the hallowness that you scraped out of my soul. I want back that little piece of me, that piece of me you stole. With out it, I am still under your control.  
  
When I watch you all that is around me goes away and all I see you is, my little brown hared love. I see you as you slip farther from where you used to be, I watch you falling from sanity, I look on as you dig your own grave, the grave you call EVA. The thing that took my life, it will try and take yours too. Die Shinji, and be with me, don't make me wait anymore. Life and death are all the same.  
  
When I think of you everything that matters disappears and all I can picture is you. I wonder what it's like to be an angel in heaven. I wish I could see you now, even just one more time. And maybe you could help rebuild all my security, I can't go on with out you Kaoru. I can't get in EVA with out your face coming to mind. Knowing that it's the sword that sleighed the only one I'll ever love... I can not pilot it anymore. Not after what they made me do to you. Don't smile at me anymore, I murdered you...  
I just want something  
Hurry Shinji, come to me, I can show you how. I'll give you all the thing you wanted and more if you just come with me.   
I just want something I can never have  
Kaoru, I can't let go of this world, Fate won't let me go. No matter how many times I try and leave something always brings me back. I want you more than ever, I what you to kill me too.  
  
I trusted in you, let you explore the part of me only my hands knew. I let you probe my heart, with that hard, hot shaft of yours. I let you tear me open, so all the world may see, just what it is that makes me tick. What it is inside of me. You showed me how to smiled, how to love and how to laugh, so why now is it your showing me just what it is be so empty?  
  
I didn't know how things would have worked, if I never fell in love, you showed me just what it feels like, Kaoru, start to finish. You showed me just what I have to do, just where to hold my body, and now I have no one to share it with... you took them all away from me. I'm sobbing! Do you see that! These are for you! Why can't I just get over you? It makes me so angry knowing I gave in so easily, but now I know. How to never fall in love again...  
  
Shinji, please stop crying. If I could, you know I would be there to kiss them away. But I can't, not for a long time. Seeing you like that, when you blame me... it tares me apart. I love you Shinji... I sacrificed everything I had to be with you... What's this? This moisture on my face... crimson tears... why am I crying? It's you Shinji...   
  
The more I watch you the farther away you grow, the longer I'm here the closer you get to someone else. Don't leave me Shinji... I reach out to you but I can't touch you, your to far away now. Shinji, please don't hate me, I want you to come back to me, closer than before. I'll fan that spark we had, make the flame burn a little stronger than it did before... please Shinji, you tearing apart the one thing I didn't think I had left. My heart.  
  
I can almost hear Asuka running up behind me and asking me who I'm talking to and insulting me, calling me Shinji-baka, but she doesn't anymore. No one insults me anymore. I don't even see Asuka at all, I hardly ever see Misato and I can't bring myself to make eye contact with my father, and it's all because of you! My life is ruined because of you! Why can't you just give me a sign... let me know that you hearing this, telling me what to do. I'm so helpless, I'm so alone with out you.  
  
The water is receding, the feeling is back in my body, but the feeling won't ever be back in my heart.  
  
Never again will I leave this place, I'm stuck here alone Shinji. A bodiless soul, a heartless soul.  
  
Shinji, don't give up on me... They corrupted you. Did you ever ask yourself why you where born if no one wanted you? Well I want you Shinji! I want you! Give up you pain filled existence. Give into the pain and let it all go. Evoke it and release it all at once. Give in and come to me..  
  
I look at myself Kaoru and I wonder what you saw in me? And try as I might I can not see any place that is left for you to love. And if I had a knife right now I would cut away every place that I have ever felt pain and I don't think there would be anything left when I was finished. I can't believe how bad I want to leave this place... my hands are shaking? But I'm not cold.  
  
You make the world perfect Kaoru, you saved me from myself.  
  
You make this world a nightmare Shinji, I'm so alone with out you.  
I just want something  
I want to feel you Kaoru, just on last time, rubbing against my flesh. Just once last time, whispering in my ear. Just one last time giving me love.  
I just want something I can never have.  
I want to taste you Shinji, just one last time. Your sweet saliva. Just one last time, your salty tears. Just once last time, you bitter life.  
  
I'm so lonely here with out you. If I had just once wish, one more wish I should say. It would be to have you here, right now, with me. If you come you'll never have to leave... please Shinji... I'm crying in a place where no tears have ever been shed...  
  
It's dark here now, so dark. Or maybe that's just the light of my soul dimming, fading with out you. I know nothing here had changed and it never will... the same empty Heaven it has always been. The same painful Heaven that your not in.  
  
I start to walk home but I keep stopping, I heard the waves crashing in the sand and I think of you, think your calling me Kaoru. You where so much better than me Kaoru... I should have died not you... why did you make me kill you. Why?   
  
I can't get you out of my head. Even as I walk back toward the place I call home, all I can think about is you. I see a boy with hair just like yours and I swear it's you. I hear a laugh, and a sweet 'I love you', and I think it's you. I hear someone crying, and I think of you... and how you held me when I would cry. God damnit it Kaoru. Just tell me how to get to you. Guide me to you. Please.  
  
Shinji... I can see you, but I can not guide you back to me. I don't know how to touch you ... but I'd give anything to do so... To touch your soft chestnut hair, you silky sand colored skin, everything Shinji... I just want to touch it.  
  
I close my eyes Shinji and all I see is you.  
  
I lose my self in you memory Kaoru.  
  
You'll all I have left... and now I hardly have you.  
  
Your all I have left.. and if I had a gun there would be no tomorrow.  
  
Find some way Shinji, find some way to be with me... and find it soon... please.  
  
I didn't see the bus when I stepped out in the street, but I saw it when I stopped in the middle of the street. I saw it when the grill hit my body, I saw it when I was laying under it.. And Then I smiled. Kaoru... I don't know why I just did that... But I think it was for you. I can feel pain coursing through my body, I'm screaming, I can't help it. I've never felt quite like this before. Can you hear me Kaoru? Am I Close enough now?  
I just want something  
I can hear you Shinji. I can hear you! I can see you...   
  
Kaoru I can feel you hand on my skin, I can see you silvery hair... the pain is fading... I can feel it releasing from my body. Kaoru... am I dying?  
  
No Shinji, you just seeing birth...   
I just want something I can never have  
Shinji... I can feel tears in my eyes, because I can touch the tears in your, I can feel their heat. I can smell the blood. I can see you, hear you again Shinji. Let me take you in my arms... and if you hold onto me I'll take you to heaven where we'll never be apart again. Can you see the Earth fading away, the stars engulfing us?  
  
No Kaoru... I can only see you.  
I just want something I can never have 


End file.
